10-27-15

Howdy!
So this week is terribly busy. I have back to back meetings, piles of homework, and a calculus test. I might as well drown myself now, right? Well once I wade through this muck of a week everything should start getting better again. I was so excited that our robot worked today in engineering. It made me proud of my life for once lol. Anyways I do not have much to add. I am still trying to cheer the guy up after the mess he almost got himself in. It would be so much easier if I could use my love for him as the reason why I care so much. Oh well.....
Anyways, Owl is growing on me. He is super sweet and we get along very well. I cannot wait to meet him one day. Maybe this will be my chance at a fun relationship.
Good night,
J

10-26-15

Howdy!

So it turns out I made an A on my Chem test! I was so excited. My grade in the Class is now a B and inching towards an A. Anyways. One negative bit of news. The guy posted about suicide on Instagram. So of course I messaged him about it. He is in a very dark place and having trouble getting out. I wish he would realize that he is an awesome person. It's hard to tell him all these good things about him and not tell him that I am in love with him too. But I am trying to help as a friend. I ask for some thoughts and prayers for him. On a positive note I met this cute guy we will call Owl. He is awesome. He's a senior in HS though but loves books and we have a lot in common. He only lives an hour away so I am planning a trip to visit him. Hopefully everything works out. 

Swamped with homework,

J

10-25-15

The weekend went great. I spent most it in the dorm alone since almost all of my friends and roommate were out of town. It wasn't a lonely time though. I got caught up on so many TV shows and found a couple new ones. Anyways. This week seems to be starting on a positive note, and I sure hope it stays that way. For the most part I have managed to block out and ignore the pain I still feel from the guy. Maybe. Just maybe. I'm starting to move on. 

On a sour note, this guy from my hometown is being a little bitch. We were gonna hookup this summer but never had the chance and things disappeared. Now all of a sudden today he liked a shitload of Instagram pics of mine and then snap chatted me a lot. He even got jealous about me posting pictures of my best friend. I'm not in a relationship with the guy nor do I ever want to be. He doesn't understand this I don't think and needs to move on. Once again I am waiting to see how this new problem pans out. 

J

10-23-15

Hey.
So I was not able to post in the last two days because I have been binge studying for Chemistry. The test went pretty good yesterday. I am hoping for a solid B. Any ways the weather here is horrible and it is killing my allergies. The rain must have brought something in. In other good news, it looks like my life might be turning for the better. As the days pass, hopefully things will continue getting better.
J

Letter

So, the following is a letter of what I want to send to the guy. I more than likely never will, but if I were to send something, it would be this. The translation is at the bottom. If I were to send this I would send it in the variety of languages and leave it up to him to translate it.

Lo que quiero decir se puede decir en cualquier idioma, sin embargo, el significado nunca va a cambiar . Der Grund, warum ich immer den Rücken , weil ich mich in dich verliebt. Seit Wochen , die einzige Sache, ότι έχει περάσει από το μυαλό μου είσαι εσύ . Δεν υπάρχει κανένας άλλος θέλω να μιλήσω ούτε για να είναι μαζί. Είχα αρκετές seans a bheith le agus fiú hookup le daoine eile , ach ní féidir liom a dhéanamh sin mar gheall ar dtrasnaíonn tú suy nghĩ của tôi. Có gì hút là bạn đang thực hiện. Những ngày cuối tuần , tôi nhận ra rằng tôi đã rơi cho bạn, 당신은 남자 친구 를 발견했다. 그 이후 , 내 마음과 생활 이 조각 되어 있다. 나는 희망 언젠가 당신에게 zou op dezelfde manier over mij voelt en mij helpen de brokken te lijmen , maar ik voel dat ik hoop ибо много. Я просто придется довольствоваться с тем, что вы счастливы и медленно двигаться дальше. Haec eadem per omnium linguarum histriones , tamen aliquid dici manifestum volo . Hoc autem scito, quod non praeteribit .


What I want to tell you can be said in any language, yet the meaning will never change.
The reason I always have your back is because I fell in love with you. For weeks, the only thing that has crossed my mind is you. There is no one else I want to talk to nor be with. I have had several chances to be with and even hookup with other people, yet I can never do so because you cross my mind. What sucks is that you are taken. The weekend I realized that I had fallen for you, you found a boyfriend. Ever since, my heart and life have been in pieces. I hope that one day you might feel the same way about me and help me pick up the pieces, but I feel that I am hoping for to much. I will just have to be content with the fact that you are happy and slowly move on. This message is the same in all languages, yet it is not something I want to openly say. But know this, the meaning will never change.

10-21-15

Howdy!
 So today was not that horrible of a day. I enjoyed my Chem lab and had the chance to eat lunch with my new best friends. I only had two things that negatively affected me so the day could have been a lot worse, right?
 The first one was I am on a type of probation for my University Scholarships. Because my Midterm grades were very low, I now have to attend one type of tutoring per week. This has its advantages because I know now of other ways to get help. It also showed me that I need to keep working hard to be successful. What hurt me is that it once again made me realize I am not as smart as I thought I was. College has taught me just how dumb I really am.
 The second was that the guy messaged me. He basically dumped his problems and vented to me. This put me in a very awkward situation because he mentioned he has to move out because (I am making a guess) that his mom kicked him out. As a friend I have no idea how to handle this situation. You would think he would go to his all perfect and amazing boyfriend to talk about this not me, but of course as life hates me, it had to be me. Its hard enough to get over falling for this person and now he is calling out my emotional response. Maybe he is just using me, or maybe like he said he knows that I have his back. Which ever is the case the wound in my heart has been reopened as I think of what could have been and what I could do to help if I was in a relationship with him. I am just going to try and beat around the bush and let my heart heal up again and keep seeing where this takes me.
Till next time,
J

10-20-15

The world just got darker. My GPR right now is a 2.4. That would be a no for any chance at getting into engineering and goodbye to all my scholarships. It's the D in POLS that's killing me. My friend CC talked about the course and how the easiest professor is the one I have. Well it doesn't seem easy. I'm fighting and struggling for understanding but not much seems to help me. I don't know what to do. A friend said to learn the material by explaining it to someone so I am going to try that with CC. We will see how it goes.

There was a really cute guy today in a tutoring class I attended. He had this amazing body. His face was just wow. And overall was just so attractive. He wasn't like a muscle hunk or anything. But he just was very likable in my opinion. If only the heartbreak from the guy would disappear. Maybe it will but as of now nothing. 

Until later,

J

10-19-15

So. Today was a decent Monday. I enjoyed my classes and all went smoothly. I was really excited to meet CSs (I think) boyfriend. He is such an awesome guy and so perfect for her. I'm so happy for them. 

Anyways. The heartbreak had a better moment today and also a small sear added. He mentioned me on Instagram. He was basically mentioning all the people who impacted him and his life. He said that I "was an amazing guy" who he is thankful to know because I am "always 

There for him." I was really excited to see that he thought that I was amazing. If anything this has boosted my hope that MAYBE one day there's a chance for us. Until that day I will definitely be there for him whenever he needs. Always there to help, but never revealing my true feelings. Yours,

J

10-18-15

Howdy,

So the weekend went pretty great. From midnight yell with CC, AJ, and CCs cousin, to a trip to San Antonio, I could not have asked for a more fun time. I had the chance to visit with my grandparents who came from North Carolina to visit. Who doesn't love family time?

 The only bad part was finding out my POLS test score, a 71. This left my midterm at a D. Once again thoughts of ending my life and transferring to a community college raced through my mind. I will never let either of these happen hopefully, but the thoughts are starting to appear faster and stronger.

 Sadly, the pain has not subsided. It is still rooted in my heart and wearing down the countless offenses and defenses I continuously throw up to protect myself. I don't know how much more I can handle. For example, I have had several chances to hookup with people the past couple days. I really wanted to because 1. they are awesome people and 2. I am a teenager in college what do you expect? But the thought shames me and brings him back to mind and the fact that I wanted to be with him and hooking up with him, no one else. I continue to look for ways to subside the pain, and if I find a way I hope it is soon, before I do something stupid like try and speak with him.

Yours,

J

10-15-15

Howdy!
 I fell a little behind in my posts. Let me catch you up with what occurred between the 13th and 16th. There was not much that was super exciting. My Chem lab on Wednesday went great and I hope to have made a good grade on the lab report. Academically wise the week was smooth until my second POLS test on Friday which was a little shaky.
 I finished the Magnus Chase book and let me just say it was awesome. The mythologic writings of Riodran always make me wonder about our world and entice me to continue reading. I would recommend the book to anybody who asked.
 The heartbreak has not changed. The pain is like a scar that continually sears with the fires of Muspelheim. If the pain is to fade away soon, I cannot tell. I wish I could just lay down and sob and let it run free from my body and soul and revive me, but it refuses to leave and stays bottled up within me. Maybe one day I will have the nerve to approach him about this and maybe even let him read this.
 Forever yours,
J

10-13-15

It's funny how pain does not fade away as fast as it comes to be. I still am in pieces after finding about the guy. I removed myself from social media so that I would not have to see anything about him and have the pain researed into me. I know they say that you should not run away but I need to focus and stay focused on my school work. I figured maybe when I'm a successful engineer maybe he will realize what he does not have. That's sounds so evil. Sorry. I'm just so stirred up by all of this. I have had so many friends and even my engineering group say that I look like I saw my own death or some other horrific event. I really wish that this would all get better faster. It slowly is. 

One good thing is that I have started to read again. Reading has always absorbed whatever emotions I have and I hope that the new Rick Riodran book I started will do that. 

A quick shoutout to HG and CS who are hopefully both reading this and the only one who knows about this whole emotional distress I am facing. Y'all are the best! 

With a broken and heavy heart,

J

10-12-15

Have you ever felt like the world is turned against you? I have. And always feel that way. 

They say that the worst storms arrive in the best of times. What ever genius said this needs a medal. Today was an ordinary Monday. Not to bad and even on the verge of becoming a good day. All this was swept up and tossed away. I was chatting with my friend CS when the guy came up in the conversation. Well guess what. He is no longer single. With one sentence my world was shattered into a million pieces. To this moment I haven't put myself together again. The guy I fell for and who seemed to like me was gone and in some other persons arms. One would say that the pain can be pushed aside in the moment. But the hurt doesn't stop there. I went on Instagram to check out any new posts and there were two pictures of the guy, one making out with his new boyfriend, the other of them hugging. Now take those million pieces that my emotions are in and smelt them down and make a fine slash out of it. At this point I was done. I knew that I was cursed. 

I don't know if anything could have changed what happened. I think back to the last night I saw him and recall the moment we almost came together for a kiss but I hesitated. Was that hesitation what led to this? If I wasn't worried about the future of our relationship would things be different. I know there is no way to know this, but I can't help feeling like I did this to myself. 

It feels like my best option is to give up on life now. I have so many battles external and internal that jumping off a building could stop. Yes I know that is not the right way to solve my problems. While I sit here and wish that I could bawl my eyes out, there are very few opinions it seems. To make matters worse I can't shed a single tear. Ever since the dreadful night my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer I feel as though all my tears dried up. I really wish I could cry and maybe all this sadness and depression would fade away. 

Through the darkness I wade to see what will become of me and my relationship with him. My hope is a strong friendship and that I can lend a shoulder to lean on. We will just have to see I guess....

With much heartbreak and in a million pieces, 

J

10-11-15

Howdy!
 So today was an almost ordinary day. I spent the day in San Antonio with my family. The highlights were buying some new books and getting a haircut. I am very OCD when it comes to my hair. It has to be perfect. So I started going to a guy who works at Visible Changes and he always gets it perfect. I can not complain about any of it and love it, so that made my day extremely happy.
 Other than that only emotions plagued my day. From stress from school to the guy, I felt haunted. So I know I rant about him a lot, but I really like him. Who know I might be head over heels for him (sure does feel like it). I still don't know how he feels though. Maybe he will read this and I will find out an answer. But I feel bad because I was told today that I am really like my Dad. Let's put it this way, my dad is full of himself and loves to cruelly cut down others verbally. I always figured I would be told this. For years I have known that I have a sharp tongue and have fought hard to overcome and muffle it. I feel like this might negatively affect the relationship between me and this guy because sometimes my texts can be a lot more sassy than I mean them to be.
 Another thing is today is national coming out day. And I feel really bad because he came out and I still don't know where my feeling lie. I don't want to lead him on and hurt him.... I can say though he has really affected me differently then other guys. Since I have been here in college I have talked to and messed around with two other guys. I was attracted to neither physically nor emotionally. But with this guy (we will name him DB) has shot my emotions. I feel excited when I think about him and can't wait to see him again. I don't want to say whether I am gay, straight or etc, because I really do not know where I fall. If anything I would say bi, but I have no idea. Maybe DB will be the one who shows me who I am.
Until next time,
J

10-10-15

Hey! 

I am going to add something about last night!!

10-9:

Eventual I left CSs house. And when I did I was super shocked. I stuck my backpack in the trunk of my Corrolla and looked up to see someone walking towards be. It was him. I was super shocked. We chatted a bit and he said I couldn't leave without giving him a hug. Like OMG. I got to hug him. I was so excited that I started messaging him and people even higher I was drunk and technically I was but off of him. So after I left CSs house I was messaging the guy. And he said he was just hanging out alone outside. So I couldn't just leave him right? Well so I said I should go over and he agreed so boom. I went over. Nothing sexual or anything happened, but I really enjoyed spending time with Him. We hugged again before I left and I really really wanted to kiss him and I probably should have. But. We are gonna hang out Sunday night (hopefully) so we will see what happens. 

10-10

So this morning around 1030 I volunteered at an Engineering conference with my bestie HG. It was amazing. I got to see my new friend AZ and meet all kinds of awesome people by showing them to their rooms. Then I got in the car and came down to San Antonip TX. It was a 3 hour drive. So not to bad. But soooo worth it. I'm spending the night here with my Mom,brother and dog. My little brother had a band competition and so we met up here rather than having me drive all the way home. It has been a pretty great day. It all started with waking up from a dream about the guy which has helped make everything so great. 

Until next time, 

J

10-9-15

Howdy,
 So today was a pretty great day. My Chem class was great, I slept through Political Science again and really enjoyed Calculus. I would chalk today up as a step closer to having a happier college experience.
 I was so happy to spend time with my friend CS's apartment. I am actually writing this from her house. Whats better than eating pizza, brownies, and ice cream with sweet tea while chilling with my best friend? Um, nothing.
 Whats even better than that is the guy came over! It was a little awkward I think because I get nervous around people I don't know. And because he is a complete hot stud. I feel bad because he is supposed to be talking to someone right now, but hey if he flirts with me and doesn't mention it to me, then it is fine with me I guess. I still honestly don't know where my feelings lie sexually and where my sexuality lies, but if I was with someone, I think it would be with him. I know CS you are probably reading this and thinking I am rushing in, but I don't think so. There is just something about him that I know that we are good together. Who knows. On another note, I know it probably won't happen, but we agreed to go to NYC as I mentioned earlier. And I kinda want to make it happen. We will just have to see.
Have a great weekend,
J

10-8

Howdy!

So now that exams are over I have begun to enjoy my classes again. Chemistry is fun and Engineering is challenging but not impossible. I wish that I felt like this about the exams. But I am going to study harder to try and make them easier. 

Also the waiting game has begun. It's very hard because he is very flirty with me. I know that is just him, but it makes it that much harder. One thing that went well is we might go to NYC together! This city is my favorite place on Earth and Togo with him would make it so much better. Hopefully we will have the chance to go! 

Tonight my hometown got a lot of rain. School is cancelled and many people had their houses flooded. I hope everything gets better for them and continue to pray for them. 

Till next time,

J

10-6-15

Howdy!
 So yesterday I took my first Into to Engineering Exam. It was so horrible. Who knew that such a dumb subject could have a test that could scare Satan himself. In other news, I am counting down the days till I see my family this weekend! I am so excited to see them, and specifically my dog..... I miss her the most.
 Other than pain in the ass grades everything is going pretty swell. I am working on staying ahead and studying so I can make A's on my next wave exams. I guess we will have to see if that comes true!
 So I mentioned a guy in my earlier post. It turns out he is talking to someone else. Sucks to be me, right! I finally found someone I wouldn't mind being with and turns out I can't be with him. I was persuaded by my friend CS to play the waiting game. Who would've thought waiting would bring me closer to anything. Turns out as always you have to wait for life to hand you something. You cannot just reach for it on your own. I know for a fact that if I were to be in a relationship with anyone I would want it to be with him. I just wish I could talk to him about everything. What a horrible idea right? Why screw everything up now rather than waiting. As always I am just going to have to wait and see where this leads me. I did make a deal with him. After I finish my college education and get a degree, I am going to do what I can to help him out. He is in a bad situation right now. He is getting ready to move out soon and has no where to go. I told him not to worry that if he can make it till I can graduate that we can live together and be roommates. It is a nice thought and a good plan for the future.
Until next time,
J

10-5-15 Introduction

Well Howdy!

So I am new to the whole blog thing, but here goes nothing! So I am a freshman at Texas A&M College Station. I just started in August. I have had such an amazing time so far in college!

The academic side of college has been very dull. I didn't do too well on the first exams. Bummer. But other wise I really enjoy my classes and my schedule. The class I like the least would have to be General Engineering. It is just a mess. We have to learn about teamwork, desgin, and robot programming. It is a very not worthwhile class and not meant to do anything but pressure engineers to drop.

Friends are something I do not lack. There are just so many people who rock in my dorm! I have three best friends here and would not trade them for the world. I really hope that we continue to be friends for a very long time. I love the groups I have become apart of and value the friendships from CS,HG,CC,AJ the absolute best.

The party scene hasn't been very open to me. I would much rather study then get wasted. I have attended one party though. And it was awesome because all my friends^ were there and it was a blast. There is also one other good thing that happened. I got to meet this amazing guy for the first time in person (read more below) and I would not think of changing that night in the least. Well maybe one part. He got in some trouble at the party and I had the chance to help him get out of it and I should have. But that didn't happen so I am going to help him out now.

So while I have not had the chance to flirt around and catch the attention of alot of people like some of my friends, one person has caught my attention. I swear he can't be anymore perfect. He IS the definition of aesthetics. I see him and all I can think is "damn." Its so awkward for me to talk to him though. I want to be in a relationship with him, but I don't know if he wants the same. If only I could ask him about it openly, but that would make things very awkward. I guess I will just have to see if the path I take brings me closer to him. (I sure hope it does!)
Until next time blog world,
J