So the weekend went pretty great. From midnight yell with CC, AJ, and CCs cousin, to a trip to San Antonio, I could not have asked for a more fun time. I had the chance to visit with my grandparents who came from North Carolina to visit. Who doesn't love family time?
The only bad part was finding out my POLS test score, a 71. This left my midterm at a D. Once again thoughts of ending my life and transferring to a community college raced through my mind. I will never let either of these happen hopefully, but the thoughts are starting to appear faster and stronger.
Sadly, the pain has not subsided. It is still rooted in my heart and wearing down the countless offenses and defenses I continuously throw up to protect myself. I don't know how much more I can handle. For example, I have had several chances to hookup with people the past couple days. I really wanted to because 1. they are awesome people and 2. I am a teenager in college what do you expect? But the thought shames me and brings him back to mind and the fact that I wanted to be with him and hooking up with him, no one else. I continue to look for ways to subside the pain, and if I find a way I hope it is soon, before I do something stupid like try and speak with him.
Yours,
J
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