10-12-15

Have you ever felt like the world is turned against you? I have. And always feel that way. 

They say that the worst storms arrive in the best of times. What ever genius said this needs a medal. Today was an ordinary Monday. Not to bad and even on the verge of becoming a good day. All this was swept up and tossed away. I was chatting with my friend CS when the guy came up in the conversation. Well guess what. He is no longer single. With one sentence my world was shattered into a million pieces. To this moment I haven't put myself together again. The guy I fell for and who seemed to like me was gone and in some other persons arms. One would say that the pain can be pushed aside in the moment. But the hurt doesn't stop there. I went on Instagram to check out any new posts and there were two pictures of the guy, one making out with his new boyfriend, the other of them hugging. Now take those million pieces that my emotions are in and smelt them down and make a fine slash out of it. At this point I was done. I knew that I was cursed. 

I don't know if anything could have changed what happened. I think back to the last night I saw him and recall the moment we almost came together for a kiss but I hesitated. Was that hesitation what led to this? If I wasn't worried about the future of our relationship would things be different. I know there is no way to know this, but I can't help feeling like I did this to myself. 

It feels like my best option is to give up on life now. I have so many battles external and internal that jumping off a building could stop. Yes I know that is not the right way to solve my problems. While I sit here and wish that I could bawl my eyes out, there are very few opinions it seems. To make matters worse I can't shed a single tear. Ever since the dreadful night my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer I feel as though all my tears dried up. I really wish I could cry and maybe all this sadness and depression would fade away. 

Through the darkness I wade to see what will become of me and my relationship with him. My hope is a strong friendship and that I can lend a shoulder to lean on. We will just have to see I guess....

With much heartbreak and in a million pieces, 

J